How a non-smoking man should date a smoking woman.

If you are a non-smoking man, and you find yourself attracted to a woman who is a smoker, the relationship that will develop will be one that needs to be handled gently. But the relationship can still be a harmonious one, provided both work at it. Including tolerance on your part, and respect on her part.

After my divorce, and before my Coming Out, I started dating again. The first two were both non-smokers. Which was a new experience for me, since I had always been with smokers. The first didn't last long at all; it was a very awkward experience for both of us. The second did much better. He was very accommodating of my habit. Even when I smoked in my own home when he spent the weekend with me. But I did take my habit to the balcony when I spent the weekend with him. The deal breaker came when we started looking for a place together. We found the perfect place. I dared asked what the smoking arrangement would be. I thought that the kitchen, and an unused bedroom which would be my office (with a window and an air purifier) would be fair. He though that the balcony was adequate. Needless to say, we didn't move in together, and the rest is herstory.

1. First, understand why she smokes. Undoubtedly, she enjoys it; the calming feeling, the taste, the smell, the hand-to-mouth thing. She is also certain to appreciate the weight control and stress management aspects. Having a lit cigarette between the fingers or the lips is a very secure and satisfying feeling for her. But the biggest reason she smokes is because she has to! A cigarette addiction is not one that can be turned on and off like a light. She doesn't smoke to annoy or impress you; there may be several reasons why she smokes, but the greatest is necessity. Regardless of why she started in the first place, she now MUST smoke!

Words can’t describe how ADDICTIVE cigarettes are! When a smoker must abstain from smoking, the cravings start up. Cravings are soon followed by withdrawal symptoms, which can be very intense and unforgiving in nature; these include anxiety, irritability, depression, and nervousness. She isn’t just “somebody who smokes”; she is a smoker. Smoking and cigarettes are both a permanent part of her, her life, her routine, and who she is.

2. Even though you are not a smoker, buy a cheap lighter and always keep it on you. Not for just in case she loses her lighter or it suddenly quits, but make it a point to light her cigarette for her whenever she reaches for one. Not only will she appreciate the courtesy, but it will let her know that you accept her as a smoker. This can be handy for other things too, like lighting candles or incense, or starting the stove. It's not a bad habit to get into. In old movies, it was romantic for a man to light a lady's cigarette. Today, although most movies are smoke-free, it is still romantic when done in real life. She may gently touch your hand to steady the flame. This is one of the things about this small act of gallantry that makes it romantic; it's a social excuse for a touch, slightly formal and sweet.

3. Try to find a place or activity that allows smoking. Outdoor free concerts often do. Some restaurants do, either outdoors, or restaurants collocated with bars – while the restaurant side will be non-smoking, the bar has a better chance of being smoking. This demonstrates thoughtfulness that will make the meal go a lot better and get some attention from her. If this is not possible, then when she gets up to go outside for a cigarette, after or while waiting for the meal, do not take this as a rejection. It just means that she needs a cigarette. It is not rude to accompany her, and continue the conversation. In fact, it is highly recommended that you accompany her. By all means, don’t do non-smoking sections if smoking sections are available. After a movie or show, suggest a little bit of a walk afterwards. She will probably need a cigarette immediately once you two get outdoors; this is another time to offer a light, as a show of acceptance. Or just not question that your date is going to do this.

4. If you plan to bring your date over to your apartment or home, be prepared that your date will want to smoke. Try to visit her home first, and take notice if she smokes in her home, or steps outside to smoke. If she steps outside to smoke, she’ll do the same at your place. But, if she smokes in her home, you really have to be prepared to accommodate her need. Yes, it’s a need, which must be satisfied. If you don’t like smoking throughout your home, then consider using an unused bedroom, and set up a couch, a coffee table, and of course, an ashtray. You might consider investing in an air purifier. Be sure you have ventilation, maybe open a window so the smoke doesn't get trapped and become unpleasant. Even though I am a smoker, I still don't like smoking in small closed spaces or sitting in rooms clogged with too much smoke; good ventilation will be a comfort for both of you. It's not rude to turn on the climate control fans. It's not even rude to purchase one of those air-filter ashtrays that suck the smoke down and filter it, which may be more comfortable for non-smokers than just getting an ordinary one. And do understand, if she smokes indoors at home, and you force her in your home to go outside to smoke, your relationship with her will end, possibly sooner than you wanted it to. Most smokers consider the cigarette after intercourse to be almost as important as the first cigarette of the day. If she can’t sit on the edge of the bed afterwards and enjoy a cigarette, it will be extremely awkward for her, having to go outside during a most passionate moment, or abstaining from a much needed cigarette.

5. Pay attention to what your lady smoker smokes, what brand, as well as what style (shorter or longer cigarettes, regular or menthol, lights or full-flavors). Discuss cigarettes and tobacco with her in a pleasant way, to find out if there are any expensive brands that your date treats as special-occasion treats. Bringing a pack of imported Davidoffs, Dunhills or Sobranies as a small gift at the start of the date goes way beyond acceptance into pure appreciation, it says, you are so cool that I thought of something special for you. If she smokes shorts or 100's, consider bringing her a pack of 120's. But make sure whatever you buy her something that somewhat matches her cigarette type preferences. You might even ask her what brands she smoked previously, and why she switched.

6. If your lady is absentminded and runs out of cigarettes, do not be interrupted or inconvenienced by having to stop and go somewhere to find cigarettes. You might even offer to go into the store for her, to make her purchase for her. If she smokes a less common brand/style, you’ll want to know which stores have a greater variety of cigarettes. Most smokers are fiercely brand loyal, she won’t want to settle for something different than what she is used to.

7. Dating a smoker is the first small step towards living with a smoker, or even entering a permanent relationship with her. Accept that she will most likely remain a smoker. She was a smoker before you two met; if things work out, great, and of not, she’ll still be a smoker long after you’re gone. While many smokers say that they want to quit, in reality, most smokers have no plans or intention of quitting anytime soon. True support is just to accept it if she says it, and not pressure or remind her of it. If she honestly mean to quit, then kicking the habit is not easy and may even take years. Many ex-smokers say that quitting is not only the hardest thing they ever did, but they have to work at it for the rest of their lives, to keep from losing their quit. If she is an inside smoker and you are contemplating moving in together, don't be afraid to ask for a few compromises; she'll most likely be very receptive. When I almost moved in with my non-smoker, I was very receptive to keep it in the kitchen and my office room. Another is who smokes inside besides your lady. I was prepared to be asked that only I smoke in our home. My compromise would have been only my mother and daughter when they visit could also smoke inside, but all friends go to the balcony. If you have moved in with each other, don’t be afraid to buy cigarettes for her if she asks you to. But if you do, stick fiercely with the brand and style that she smokes, especially if buying by the carton. But a single pack of something different, as previously mentioned, is okay.

8. Communicate well and compliment your date on things she is genuinely proud of, or obviously put effort into. Do not compliment on smoking less unless she brags, "Hey, I got down to half a pack this week" or something like that, then be supportive but not pushy. Whatever you do DO NOT enter a relationship with a smoker with the intent of trying to make her quit smoking at a later time. Give that up at the start. You can never control another person's decisions in life and you set yourself up for heartbreak by starting controlling behavior or planning it. If you date a smoker, any future relationship planning should assume your lady will go on being a smoker.

This means no lecturing about smoking – ever! This also means no complaining about the odor of her smoking. If you really want to date her, what you consider to be an odor, she considers it to be an aroma. And given time, this odor will eventually become invisible through familiarity. Once her cigarette is lit, it won't last long. Deal with it! She'll smoke it between 4 and 10 minutes, depending on her and the original length of her cigarette. It'll soon enough be crushed out, and you won't have to deal with a lit cigarette for at least a little while.